YEOWCH. It's been a bit! I was so caught up on sharing my development on my fav social site that I neglected my own site. Kinda ironic, since I made this site to move AWAY from socials.
But I have a LOT to share. Kinda. All chapter one BGs are DONE. Including the "veil" versions. Here they are!
The veil versions are for when Luana can move freely, which is after the first scene of Chapter 2. By pressing "V" after moving to a new screen, you can switch between talking to spirits and humans. Of course, Luana is a caitious woman, and most conversations with neighbors are in corners and the like, but I thought I'd add this feature so people can get into Luana's shoes more. Below are two examples of how it'll look-Tumblr couldn't handle me posting all of them in one go.
ALSO-I'm doing mini cgs for the VN, and two/whatever of them are done. I don't have that many left, but I'm chugging through them thanks to how inspired and motivated I feel. Hooray!
Chapter one may almost be done, but this is just the beginning. For those who know about the novel version, chapter 2 is a fucking MONSTER of a chapter. It's still up under the archives of the site for the work if you want to know what I mean-it really should be split in two novel wise, but VN wise it should be more doable. This being said, I still might need some help, but for now I want to focus on making chapter 1 as good as it can be, because first impressions are everything.
OH, and people on Tumblr expressed interest in a demo-so I MIGHT plan a demo up to the middle of Ch.2, right when the rising action starts. And by might, I mean will, since it's been a long time since Tovera has become something tangible and I'd like to give people SOMETHING to consume while I develop the prologue in full. So stay tuned for that release! There will definitely be a release notice on the main page when the demo is ready.
1/30/24
This week (2/5/24) was stressful. I wanted to make art. I wanted to go out and eat. But I had lots of homework, and my new college took all of my finaid money, so I have nothing to use and now I'm stressed and miserable, stuck in the apartment, being an housewife for my mom, essentially. One class requires so much of my time that I burn out after a module, and since I can't leave the house I can't exactly cure it. The other is easy, but that also kills my motivation in the opposite way. I feel like a loser. I wonder why I can't just get through school and get a job and a house and work on Tovera and this and that-since 2020 I've struggled to do the work and balance that with hobbies. I've only recently started drawing consistently again (2022). Every semester something traumatizing happens and I can't recover, and so I lie to my family about my grades and mental health...kinda. I manage to pass every time...but last semester, I finally faltered, and since then I've felt lower than ever.
But then, it hit me. I'm an adult. I don't have to live this way. This is a choice. There are more ways to a happy, meaniningful life that don't involve subjecting myself to more (school based, but also financial) trauma and stress.
As children, we're sorta taught that we're inherently stupid, indulging in interests that could make for a future career is stupid, and that the best course of action is to listen to the adults, who also are lost as hell, don't have it together, and stopped chasing their dreams (for good reason, of course-creative dreams die more than flourish under capitalism) want us to do. I always thought, "Well, this fucking sucks, but hey, it's the best way towards stability so whatever. I can suffer a little more for liberation later." And in 2024, as we watch our dreams die in real time as inflation and housing snatches away adulthood from us and keeps us locked to our parents, it seems silly to consider anything other than college.
However, as we go on with our lives, I think it's easy to get complacent and let other people's judgement guide our actions. I always was afraid of my family's judgement, without realizing that really, they aren't even paying for my college or really helping me through it outside of providing shelter (WHICH I am grateful for...but in hindsight, I might as well be going to school with my own place because of how often I end up responsible for the househod's wellbeing/functioning financially and labor wise) and food, though even that can become scarce at times. That, and they have master degrees and junk and they're struggling in the current economy right now-not their fault or in their control, and they DID choose teaching degrees, but my point still stands-taking advice from people who aren't where you want to be is...bad. And will lead to you being miserable. And unclear on how to make the things YOU want to happen happen, not what your family or friends do.
School makes my body feel like it's rotting. That could be my diabetes, but...you get what I mean. I'd much rather be working towards a career than sitting on my ass, struggling to get by while in school, straining my family's finances, and gaining no skills, expecting a job just because I slaved away at school and didn't do 30 internships or whatever. I'm actually a huge animal lover, so I've been looking at dog grooming and MAYBE getting my certifications for IT if I really want something to fall back on...and neither need a degree. I am aware that grooming isn't playing with puppies, but this scratches my vet dream without 8 years or so of schooling.
This is getting long (I feel like I say this once every few blog posts...). The point is-I know what's Wrong With Me and...what's wrong with Tovera now. Tovera is a mess because I am a mess because school is a mess because I didn't realize I can do what I want forever. And honestly, I'm debating leaving Tovera behind until I can get my shit together, because guess what? I want to switch mediums. Again. I'm debating a webseries, 5 minute episodes where we slowly get through each arc. Someone stone me already. But yeah, the crisis I have every 3 months about what Tovera should be is directly related to this bullshit. I figured it out. Go me, but now I feel like caressing Tovera in my hands like a wounded puppy, one that I hurt myself but still has the audacity to attempt to comfort. I want to keep my head up high, though-this is only the beginning, and things look bright ahead! I just have to believe in myself. All that shounen I've read and yet I never internalized that until now. I suppose messages don't really stick until you really need them.
2/11/24
It's been a bit since I've written for the blog. I split it into 2023 and 2024, and will add a drop down menu soon so folks can access my old thoughts. So if you're wondering if I nuked all of that, it's still around! I just need to update the site big time. It needs a HUGE overhaul, from the inspirations section to the menu.
Anyway, to get into the post: firstly, I'm becoming a trimmer at my current job, and starting the week of the first (4/1/24) I'll start training to do basic cuts by a renowned groomer in my city! I also make decent money and will be able to start adulting big time soon, which will take away from creating time, but stable income and mental health will allow me to create more even with less time (and money) to throw into Tovera junk. It's $15/hr, but with tips it becomes $20ish an hour. The goal is to use this money to move out to my own place and start indulging in my creative hobbies more on off days with streams and stuff like that. So there's the good news! Things are good and I can't wait to show everyone what I've been cooking up...once my iPad is charged.
As for more on topic news and the reason I even made this post...because of how far I've come in such little time, I've been able to reflect on why Tovera is a mess. And yeah, it's because I was-but even more than that, I figured out WHY I was a mess; alienation is a bad place to be mentally, and it directly impacts my workflow and motivation. Duh. But the full extent of the problem didn't click with me until I started speaking to coworkers, gained the money to buy things I like and explore my city, and reflect deeply on the past few months and my relationships that I realized that I'm not defective for not being able to update my site and worldbuild AND do projects when things were objectively kinda shit all around...for a long, long time. It's as they say; your 20s are for recovering from childhood, and then your 30s life can begin. Or something like that-there's no set timeline, but I think that's how my life is gonna shape out at this rate.
I spoke a little about my negative time in college while having no money-and how my family is working class, so it isn't like they can offset that by much. What I didn't mention, however, was that my relationships were quite poor as well, from familial ones to romantic ones, and because I'd disappear from school from car problems and had no job, forming new connections was pretty much a no go. That, and I still had to get myself through school with good grades despite running on bologna sandwiches, a mean-spirited grandparent, and a prayer. This has been a problem since I was a kid. The hamster wheel of constantly having to be an adult, give and give and give to people that kinda hate your guts but still need you, but in turn you never have your own cup filled by yourself (because you're too poor/not autonomous enough to)-or you'd be treated like a burden when you asked for something in turn/and or went off the social expectation your family has set (as your job was to be an extra resource/adult and also manage your own life in silence at a young age-and if you're a young adult, they want you out ASAP and going off script looks like laziness/childishness/being a leech past 18, even if there is a career in what you're choosing over schooling!).
This has directly caused not only my alienation from peers, who grew up a little slower (or maybe a normal pace, is the better word?) due to economic and social class differences, but also my ability to create, as alienation causes a "why even bother" effect. It makes you too depressed to pick up a pencil even outside of your apathy and/or insecurity around the craft and your skill. Art became, and recently, still was, one more thing that I'm pouring my effort into without my own cup being filled by the result-art makes little money and there's no guarantee you can find community even if money isn't your goal, especially when it's something semi-serious in subject matter like Tovera's stories can be. Personal satisfaction is why most of us do what we do, because very few of us get the privilege of making money off of our ideas and we know this. And because of my circumstances, I've had to sacrifice a lot, give to my family a lot, and take on other responsibilities I was already overwhelmed by-making art for myself/the pure satisfaction of it was not enough to warrant spending my already limited energy and time doing it! Of course, this changed when I made the website and met my neocities peers/acquaintances-but the overwhelm/energy allotment/is-this-worth-it-for-a-crumb-of-personal-satisfaction-compared-to-literally-anything-else feeling overriding my personal satisfaction with my work was only nipped in the bud a month ago or so. Boo. I mean, yay, but also...man, being in that state of mind for that long, it feels like I just woke up from a nightmare or something.
This brings me to creative/media tastes and alienation from peers as well. My tastes match my age in my opinion, but I tend to scare people away in both artistic and irl spaces with them, it seems-I recall a lot of feedback from early drafts of Tovera, and most found the Jane-Eyre historical, almost gothic angle boring to read before the first chapter was even over (which to be fair...early Tovera DID need a lot more editing, but the angle would still bore my peers to tears-as it is now, I can't say!). I've always felt like an adult in a child's body, with my range of tastes being from YA to classics, and now as an adult I feel like I'm 35 in some ways when I'm obviously still young. Things like going into a trade, making decent money while your peers are in school or are just finishing up school, making plans to get your own apartment, thinking about starting a business, putting aside creative hobbies to do so...despite wearing Sanrio shirts and watching longplays of video games when I get home after a shift...the dissonance makes little sense, even to me, and it's been a personal challenge to not overthink these things, as I'm sure many people feel this way and I'm not alone. But the way real life alienation caused a creative kind was a scary realization. It makes sense that someone that grew up in a household that values education and literature, on top of having to take on more responsibilities than your perrs, would enjoy Percy Jackson and The Hunger Games alongside Of Mice and Men and Huckleberry Finn, but this can seriously leave you in a weird spot when creating and discussing media in an age where postmodern art/tropes and metaphorical/magical realist discussions of identity are more people's thing.
Anyway, though these feelings have been healed a LOT as my new job puts me in contact with people with similar goals, it remains just a little. But now I have the tools to fight back, and to finally start creating in a healthy, (mostly) self-motivated, and inspired way, whereas before it was born from fighting these feelings. I think everyone, to an extent, struggles to balance the dissonance inside of them, and taking the time to find out how to and when to use these sides of you is a skill that takes time to cultivate. I don't hate past me for being unable to get their shit together-they were literally unable to, the tools weren't there! But now, thanks to a leap of faith, they are now, and I'll be forever greatful they took the chance to start working with themselves rather than against themselves.
3/29/24
As mentioned already, Tovera is on a bona fide hiatus. In this blog post, I'll go more into detail on why. Before I start this post, I will be blunt and say it will be an uncomfortable read-it warrants trigger warnings. TW for SA/sexual abuse, for emotional abuse, and suicidality.
What prompted this hiatus was an extreme awakening to trauma. I have nowhere else to go to talk about this. Therapy is expensive, and my first paycheck for my new job has to go to other things. I decided to make this post because all of my feelings are trapped within me, and not letting them out has been hurting me...but also, opening up to others is very hard right now, and I don't want to burden anyone with these traumas when they're just trying to get through their day.
I've spoken a little here and there about my turbulent relationships, but after recent events I realize that I was essentially tossed around by people that I thought loved me all of last year, and the beginning of this year. I realize now that turbulent doesn't even begin to describe what was going on. I am currently safe and even happy, but the scars remain and the injuries have leaked into my creative life. As scared as I am to type this, I should go ahead and say it to get it over with: last year, my grandmother repeatedly judged my appearance (especially when my hair was natural), would rant and stomp around the house, and even once went on a tirade after a minor mistake I made for around an hour or two. She would also constantly use my resources with no thanks or acknowledgement of who she was taking from-a college student that needed all the aid they can get. While she wasn't consistently abusive, the toll she took on me in such a short time caused more of a scar than I thought, as now I am back to square one in healing my relationship to my appearance.
During my turbulent living time with her, my cat, Tigerlilly, ran off, never to be seen again. To this day, we still haven't found him. This is no one's fault, but it hurt me horribly. I fear the worst has come to pass, and he is now in heaven, chasing all of the rats and mice he pleases. I last saw him in November. These are the last pictures I have of him before he left and never came back. I'm so sorry, my little angel. I didn't deserve you.
After this, for 2023's Christmas, a close friend turned lover offered to have me over. I agreed, happy to finally have time away and be with someoene that loves me. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that this was a ploy to extract sex from me. I was a fool. He didn't want to be seen together in public; we never went on dates; he would spend his off days away from me or doing something only he really liked; when we became intimate, I was often left frustrated and feeling unloved, uncared for, and used because of the hoops he'd jump through to avoid pleasing me; and to top it all off, near the end of my stay, he sexually assaulted me, even as I tried to push him away. The assault didn't register until 4 months after my stay.
To make things worse, after having me over just to put me on a shelf when he needed to use my body, he refused to see me for Valentine's Day and my birthday. Or rather, he had an excuse for why things wouldn't work for Valentine's, and would respond slowly to my texts about making plans for my birthday. Shortly after he responded flakily to my birthday plans, I broke it off, and then a month later, I cut him off completely for his treatment. I was a stupid fool who wanted someone, anyone, to love me during the hard times I've fallen on, and in the end I ignored every red flag and was betrayed by someone I saw as a close friend. The self loathing I feel for dating him eats me alive, even as things are looking up.
On a more minor note, while things are okay now, I do live with a severely disabled brother-he has outbursts over everything because he's non-verbal, and sometimes it makes him violent. He gets shut down pretty quickly, but suffice to say it's pretty exhausting, especially when he does this on a work day. Needless to say, my relationship to men is one full of fear, stress, disgust, and sadness these days, as I've been consistently let down, sexually abused by, and left neglected in favor of or even as a carer for them without a fraction of this given to me growing up and even now.
Anyway, for a while, I was pretty suicidal from all of this, since I quit my job due to mistreatment by my boss and mentor after awakening to this trauma. I couldn't take any more conflict, despite the pay raise and the routine I had established-it was petty in hindsight, but I think it awoke my self respect a little bit. While unemployed, I tried to work on Tovera stuff just to have little to no energy to do so-I fixed a mechanic or two just to burn out as soon as I fixed the mechanics. The emotional injuries became creative ones, as the wounds from creative and interpersonal rejection among peers a few years ago started to open as well. All in all, my experiences in 2023, in childhood, in school, all of these years, and the beginning of 2024, have broken me. My ideas are all in my head still, but I'm too tired and even paralyzed to truly share them and be seen. I'm working on making more friends "IRL," but I find approaching people much harder than I used to. My career has a bright future, but I fear that healthy relationships, platonic and romantic, and a healthy relationship to my art most of all, is not possible right now. I have begun to accept that I will likely be alone in many things, and that I was born to bloom late, or maybe not at all.
It seems like no matter where I go, I end up doing stupid things, making stupid choices, and finding people that hate me yet also seem to need me or want me around despite that. I realize how rare it has been for someone to legitimately like my company and not resent me for my interests, my stories, my goals, my hair, my skin, my everything. It could be that I'm so deep in a season of winter that I can't see anything good coming, but creatively and interpersonally, things look very, very bleak. I can't create when I feel this way, especially when you're making a work about connection, undoing our warped understanding of the world and other people, and how important that is in the face of oppression, of despair, of hatred. I don't want to be a Miyazaki (yes, THAT Miyzaki-look up how he treated his wife and child!)-someone who makes beautiful art full of meaning while neglecting the very things I write about. So, with all of this piled on top of each other, I decided to drop the indie artist act the same way I dropped the atelier act. Right now, I am a corpse that preaches and preaches, but has no backbone or courage to actually live out and cultivate the things they believe in.
Also, because of how off putting my work is in the indie scene, I have half a mind to stop going indie, or at least, stop going indie the way I'm doing it now. I actually decided to be super vulnerable because I'm thinking of dropping the Sidhedust handle, kind of like destroying it with this traumavomit and seeing if I can participate in art as myself, in the "real world," where a more...I guess, drama-centric, depressing, and more mature work can flourish. I think that as much as I love the indie space, I can no longer hide my resentment for how I've been treated in Discord servers, old connections, and all of that over how my work is constructed. The indie space only has room for childrens media/YA, and while it doesn't look like it, Tovera does lean more to an older audience, around 25+, just because of how adult the character's problems are. Therefore, I want to hone my craft, make it more mature looking and more mature in writing, and see if I can maybe..I guess go indie but irl? Like, I guess play creative director for the project and get some help actually finishing the fucking thing for once. I don't know. I just want a clear direction, a bit of help, and nipping that feeling like a fish out of water among creatives in the bud.
As annoying as this may sound, this is all no one's fault, and I don't want anyone reading feeling blamed for why creative injuries came up. It isn't a lack of interaction or help or being reached out to that caused this crash and burn (and even if I reacted that way to these things, it isn't fair to put that onto an audience+your friends.) It was me not unpacking all that happened, not being honest with myself about my artwork/writing, being desparate for a life that can't happen as the person I am right now, and not being patient. I've always been late to The Party, and now it's time to sit back, get my life in order, and worry about Tovera, finding a support system, and all of the other things I'd like to do later, unfortunately.
I forgot where I read it, but it was an essay on a certain man's work I read. His works often include the themes of how dreams are beautiful, but they don't alwaays bear fruit, and just because we dream doesn't mean they will come true; that a life you didn't expect or want is still, unfortunately, a life; that at the end of the day, what life is often about is looking at what little, if anything, remains of your dreams, goals, aspirations, and asking the people around you what's next after everything crumbles. "What's next? What's possible?" I think that this is where I am in life. Another nadir, another dream nuked, another instance of "what's next, what's possible?" as I get epiphany after epiphany.
Not all hope is lost. I think that I only feel this way because I have always failed to break free from whatever egg I'm in. But I do admit that I am discouraged, a bit defeated, and ready to throw in the towel for good when it comes to creativity+relationships. A part of me doesn't even want to work on Tovera at all, save up, and run off to the countryside to never be seen again. I don't want to see myself as helpless in the face of life's challenges, but I fail to understand where to go from here in some ways, while in others it's pretty clear. I've always been someone that liked having clear answers before doing things, no doubt because I can't make a good choice to save my life, but nothing has a clear answer in the end.
Lastly, I'd like to thank anyone who took the time to read my traumadump to navel gazing speedrun of a blog. I apologize if it's repetitive, whiny, or sounds like the ramblings of an insane person. I just needed to get the truth out there, and explain where Tovera is and isn't. The sites will remain up, with their custom URLs and everything-if I never come back to Tovera, if I do, if I reboot it, if I get industry backing, if I don't, if I die in a car crash, if I nuke my Discord and gmail and everything, it will remain, because even if it's incomplete or doesn't serve me anymore, it's proof that I cared about something enough to dedicate time to it, that I loved something enough to at least get it to where it did. I think that I really made this blog so that whether Tovera goes anywhere or not, someone can find this blog, my sites, and can see that finished or not, I was just another person trying to get through this world, and that the love was there. I'm still proud of my stupid little project(s) that's a mess because I am, and I wouldn't trade this messiness for the world.
6/27/24
