YEOWCH. It's been a bit! I was so caught up on sharing my development on my fav social site that I neglected my own site. Kinda ironic, since I made this site to move AWAY from socials.
But I have a LOT to share. Kinda. All chapter one BGs are DONE. Including the "veil" versions. Here they are!
The veil versions are for when Luana can move freely, which is after the first scene of Chapter 2. By pressing "V" after moving to a new screen, you can switch between talking to spirits and humans. Of course, Luana is a caitious woman, and most conversations with neighbors are in corners and the like, but I thought I'd add this feature so people can get into Luana's shoes more. Below are two examples of how it'll look-Tumblr couldn't handle me posting all of them in one go.
ALSO-I'm doing mini cgs for the VN, and two/whatever of them are done. I don't have that many left, but I'm chugging through them thanks to how inspired and motivated I feel. Hooray!
Chapter one may almost be done, but this is just the beginning. For those who know about the novel version, chapter 2 is a fucking MONSTER of a chapter. It's still up under the archives of the site for the work if you want to know what I mean-it really should be split in two novel wise, but VN wise it should be more doable. This being said, I still might need some help, but for now I want to focus on making chapter 1 as good as it can be, because first impressions are everything.
OH, and people on Tumblr expressed interest in a demo-so I MIGHT plan a demo up to the middle of Ch.2, right when the rising action starts. And by might, I mean will, since it's been a long time since Tovera has become something tangible and I'd like to give people SOMETHING to consume while I develop the prologue in full. So stay tuned for that release! There will definitely be a release notice on the main page when the demo is ready.
1/30/24
This week (2/5/24) was stressful. I wanted to make art. I wanted to go out and eat. But I had lots of homework, and my new college took all of my finaid money, so I have nothing to use and now I'm stressed and miserable, stuck in the apartment, being an housewife for my mom, essentially. One class requires so much of my time that I burn out after a module, and since I can't leave the house I can't exactly cure it. The other is easy, but that also kills my motivation in the opposite way. I feel like a loser. I wonder why I can't just get through school and get a job and a house and work on Tovera and this and that-since 2020 I've struggled to do the work and balance that with hobbies. I've only recently started drawing consistently again (2022). Every semester something traumatizing happens and I can't recover, and so I lie to my family about my grades and mental health...kinda. I manage to pass every time...but last semester, I finally faltered, and since then I've felt lower than ever.
But then, it hit me. I'm an adult. I don't have to live this way. This is a choice. There are more ways to a happy, meaniningful life that don't involve subjecting myself to more (school based, but also financial) trauma and stress.
As children, we're sorta taught that we're inherently stupid, indulging in interests that could make for a future career is stupid, and that the best course of action is to listen to the adults, who also are lost as hell, don't have it together, and stopped chasing their dreams (for good reason, of course-creative dreams die more than flourish under capitalism) want us to do. I always thought, "Well, this fucking sucks, but hey, it's the best way towards stability so whatever. I can suffer a little more for liberation later." And in 2024, as we watch our dreams die in real time as inflation and housing snatches away adulthood from us and keeps us locked to our parents, it seems silly to consider anything other than college.
However, as we go on with our lives, I think it's easy to get complacent and let other people's judgement guide our actions. I always was afraid of my family's judgement, without realizing that really, they aren't even paying for my college or really helping me through it outside of providing shelter (WHICH I am grateful for...but in hindsight, I might as well be going to school with my own place because of how often I end up responsible for the househod's wellbeing/functioning financially and labor wise) and food, though even that can become scarce at times. That, and they have master degrees and junk and they're struggling in the current economy right now-not their fault or in their control, and they DID choose teaching degrees, but my point still stands-taking advice from people who aren't where you want to be is...bad. And will lead to you being miserable. And unclear on how to make the things YOU want to happen happen, not what your family or friends do.
School makes my body feel like it's rotting. That could be my diabetes, but...you get what I mean. I'd much rather be working towards a career than sitting on my ass, struggling to get by while in school, straining my family's finances, and gaining no skills, expecting a job just because I slaved away at school and didn't do 30 internships or whatever. I'm actually a huge animal lover, so I've been looking at dog grooming and MAYBE getting my certifications for IT if I really want something to fall back on...and neither need a degree. I am aware that grooming isn't playing with puppies, but this scratches my vet dream without 8 years or so of schooling.
This is getting long (I feel like I say this once every few blog posts...). The point is-I know what's Wrong With Me and...what's wrong with Tovera now. Tovera is a mess because I am a mess because school is a mess because I didn't realize I can do what I want forever. And honestly, I'm debating leaving Tovera behind until I can get my shit together, because guess what? I want to switch mediums. Again. I'm debating a webseries, 5 minute episodes where we slowly get through each arc. Someone stone me already. But yeah, the crisis I have every 3 months about what Tovera should be is directly related to this bullshit. I figured it out. Go me, but now I feel like caressing Tovera in my hands like a wounded puppy, one that I hurt myself but still has the audacity to attempt to comfort. I want to keep my head up high, though-this is only the beginning, and things look bright ahead! I just have to believe in myself. All that shounen I've read and yet I never internalized that until now. I suppose messages don't really stick until you really need them.
2/11/24
It's been a bit since I've written for the blog. I split it into 2023 and 2024, and will add a drop down menu soon so folks can access my old thoughts. So if you're wondering if I nuked all of that, it's still around! I just need to update the site big time. It needs a HUGE overhaul, from the inspirations section to the menu.
Anyway, to get into the post: firstly, I'm becoming a trimmer at my current job, and starting the week of the first (4/1/24) I'll start training to do basic cuts by a renowned groomer in my city! I also make decent money and will be able to start adulting big time soon, which will take away from creating time, but stable income and mental health will allow me to create more even with less time (and money) to throw into Tovera junk. It's $15/hr, but with tips it becomes $20ish an hour. The goal is to use this money to move out to my own place and start indulging in my creative hobbies more on off days with streams and stuff like that. So there's the good news! Things are good and I can't wait to show everyone what I've been cooking up...once my iPad is charged.
As for more on topic news and the reason I even made this post...because of how far I've come in such little time, I've been able to reflect on why Tovera is a mess. And yeah, it's because I was-but even more than that, I figured out WHY I was a mess; alienation is a bad place to be mentally, and it directly impacts my workflow and motivation. Duh. But the full extent of the problem didn't click with me until I started speaking to coworkers, gained the money to buy things I like and explore my city, and reflect deeply on the past few months and my relationships that I realized that I'm not defective for not being able to update my site and worldbuild AND do projects when things were objectively kinda shit all around...for a long, long time. It's as they say; your 20s are for recovering from childhood, and then your 30s life can begin. Or something like that-there's no set timeline, but I think that's how my life is gonna shape out at this rate.
I spoke a little about my negative time in college while having no money-and how my family is working class, so it isn't like they can offset that by much. What I didn't mention, however, was that my relationships were quite poor as well, from familial ones to romantic ones, and because I'd disappear from school from car problems and had no job, forming new connections was pretty much a no go. That, and I still had to get myself through school with good grades despite running on bologna sandwiches, a mean-spirited grandparent, and a prayer. This has been a problem since I was a kid. The hamster wheel of constantly having to be an adult, give and give and give to people that kinda hate your guts but still need you, but in turn you never have your own cup filled by yourself (because you're too poor/not autonomous enough to)-or you'd be treated like a burden when you asked for something in turn/and or went off the social expectation your family has set (as your job was to be an extra resource/adult and also manage your own life in silence at a young age-and if you're a young adult, they want you out ASAP and going off script looks like laziness/childishness/being a leech past 18, even if there is a career in what you're choosing over schooling!).
This has directly caused not only my alienation from peers, who grew up a little slower (or maybe a normal pace, is the better word?) due to economic and social class differences, but also my ability to create, as alienation causes a "why even bother" effect. It makes you too depressed to pick up a pencil even outside of your apathy and/or insecurity around the craft and your skill. Art became, and recently, still was, one more thing that I'm pouring my effort into without my own cup being filled by the result-art makes little money and there's no guarantee you can find community even if money isn't your goal, especially when it's something semi-serious in subject matter like Tovera's stories can be. Personal satisfaction is why most of us do what we do, because very few of us get the privilege of making money off of our ideas and we know this. And because of my circumstances, I've had to sacrifice a lot, give to my family a lot, and take on other responsibilities I was already overwhelmed by-making art for myself/the pure satisfaction of it was not enough to warrant spending my already limited energy and time doing it! Of course, this changed when I made the website and met my neocities peers/acquaintances-but the overwhelm/energy allotment/is-this-worth-it-for-a-crumb-of-personal-satisfaction-compared-to-literally-anything-else feeling overriding my personal satisfaction with my work was only nipped in the bud a month ago or so. Boo. I mean, yay, but also...man, being in that state of mind for that long, it feels like I just woke up from a nightmare or something.
This brings me to creative/media tastes and alienation from peers as well. My tastes match my age in my opinion, but I tend to scare people away in both artistic and irl spaces with them, it seems-I recall a lot of feedback from early drafts of Tovera, and most found the Jane-Eyre historical, almost gothic angle boring to read before the first chapter was even over (which to be fair...early Tovera DID need a lot more editing, but the angle would still bore my peers to tears-as it is now, I can't say!). I've always felt like an adult in a child's body, with my range of tastes being from YA to classics, and now as an adult I feel like I'm 35 in some ways when I'm obviously still young. Things like going into a trade, making decent money while your peers are in school or are just finishing up school, making plans to get your own apartment, thinking about starting a business, putting aside creative hobbies to do so...despite wearing Sanrio shirts and watching longplays of video games when I get home after a shift...the dissonance makes little sense, even to me, and it's been a personal challenge to not overthink these things, as I'm sure many people feel this way and I'm not alone. But the way real life alienation caused a creative kind was a scary realization. It makes sense that someone that grew up in a household that values education and literature, on top of having to take on more responsibilities than your perrs, would enjoy Percy Jackson and The Hunger Games alongside Of Mice and Men and Huckleberry Finn, but this can seriously leave you in a weird spot when creating and discussing media in an age where postmodern art/tropes and metaphorical/magical realist discussions of identity are more people's thing.
Anyway, though these feelings have been healed a LOT as my new job puts me in contact with people with similar goals, it remains just a little. But now I have the tools to fight back, and to finally start creating in a healthy, (mostly) self-motivated, and inspired way, whereas before it was born from fighting these feelings. I think everyone, to an extent, struggles to balance the dissonance inside of them, and taking the time to find out how to and when to use these sides of you is a skill that takes time to cultivate. I don't hate past me for being unable to get their shit together-they were literally unable to, the tools weren't there! But now, thanks to a leap of faith, they are now, and I'll be forever greatful they took the chance to start working with themselves rather than against themselves.
3/29/24
